Breaking Through: Five Things Teens Want Us to Know

When you think of the teenage years or discuss them with fellow parents, chances are that the words you use to describe them are inherently more negative than positive. When referring to the teenage brain in particular, the most commonly used word is “immature.” According to family researcher Ellen Galinsky, however, our expectations for the teenage years—negative or positive—can directly impact how teens behave.

In her book The Breakthrough Years, Galinsky posits that it’s important to reframe our understanding of adolescence from negative to positive—from dread to celebration. These years, after all, are filled with remarkable transformation as the brain rapidly develops and teens “seek new experiences, build and strengthen connections, and form essential life skills.”

Galinsky’s research involved surveying 1,600 teens and tweens between the ages of 9 and 19 and their parents, asking them what they want adults to know about people their age. Her findings—captured in five main messages—were shared in a recent article from the Greater Good Science Center at the University of California, Berkeley.

1. Understand Our Development. Just as a toddler is not a deficit preschooler, teens are not deficit adults, yet that’s often the way we view them. We look at their often-called “stupid decisions” and wonder about the risks they take. Researchers, however, emphasize that “adolescents need to be explorative and have adventures.” This teaches them to react quickly and know if a situation is safe or not. According to Galinsky, “That’s what they need to do to survive.” At this age, much of their behavior is about discovering their independence and “learning to be brave.”
    
2. Talk with Us, Not at Us. Many of us are inclined to talk “at” our teens rather than “with” them. Part of this is because we simply forget what it’s like to be their age, and also, they often look like adults! Without giving them total autonomy, however, adolescents do need to learn how to make their own decisions. Though they may come across as disrespectful, they’re not exactly wrong when they say, “Don’t just tell us what to do.” Involving teens in learning to solve their own problems, versus solving problems for them, is the best form of intervention and teaching. After all, as parents, we won’t always be there. Giving students this agency is a big part of the learning experience at Merion Mercy Academy.
    
3. Don’t Stereotype Us. In Galinsky’s surveys, 38% of adolescents wrote sentiments like, We’re not dumb, we’re smarter than you think, we’re not all addicted to our phones and social media. Don’t put us all in a big group and say we’re the “anxious or depressed generation” or the “entitled generation,” or the “COVID generation.” Let us be the individuals that we are. Research shows that often our beliefs become our realities. If we think negatively about our teens, we may find they behave accordingly.
    
4. Understand Our Needs. Beyond our physical needs, we also have basic psychological needs, including having important relationships or caring connections, feeling supported and respected, having some autonomy, and finding ways to give back.
    
5. We Want to Learn Stuff that’s Useful. Executive function skills are important for doing well in multiple facets of life, including academically, physically, and personally. These are skills like understanding others’ perspectives, goal-setting, communicating, collaborating, or taking on challenges. Galinksy explains, “They’re skills that build on core brain processes that help us thrive.”

At Merion Mercy Academy, our core values teach these invaluable life lessons:

• Compelled by Mercy: Sharing a sense of social consciousness.
• Educational Courage: Welcoming the challenge of pursuing one’s full potential.
• Inspired by Faith: Strenuously following Jesus Christ’s example of social justice, love and service.
• Principled Leadership: Equipping students to make difficult choices, learn from their mistakes and develop high emotional intelligence.
• A Voice for Dignity and Respect: Honoring the intrinsic value of the individual.

As we navigate the complexities of the teenage years, it’s essential to shift our perspective and recognize this period as one of immense growth and potential. By embracing a positive outlook and fostering open, respectful communication, we can help our teens develop the skills they need to thrive. At Merion Mercy Academy, we are committed to supporting this journey by instilling our core values, which empower students to become compassionate, courageous, and principled leaders. Let’s celebrate the remarkable transformation of adolescence and guide our teens toward a future filled with promise and purpose.